24 February 2009

the perfect man.

OMG, this is my 400th post. I'm guessing you're feeling 400 times the fun.

Because My Mom is Cooler Than Your Mom, she sent me Iron Man, one of the greatest movies of our time, in the mail today. In the case that My Mom is Your Mom, well you got to visit last fall and I didn't. Love ya Big Bro.

Anyways, Iron Man is, in my humble opinion (but as this is my self-indulgent blog, the only opinion that truly matters) the best of the superhero movies to date. Granted I haven't seen either of the Hulk movies and really, the new Superman was not even worth of remembering, but surely everyone recognizes Batman and Spiderman, by virtue of their prodigious sequels, as franchises embodying the best of the superhero genre. However, when it comes to the complete vision of masculinity, the twenty-first century man, Iron Man is it. Succinctly, one could say that Batman is kind of a douche, Peter Parker struggles with basic morality and both are fueled by revenge. This is not the kind of man that the modern woman wants.

Yah, wants. It's like you think that doesn't matter, but really, doesn't the superhero answer to his woman? Isn't Peter Parker all about Mary Jane? Wasn't Rachel getting blown up the saddest part of The Dark Knight? The superhero lives for his woman, he is the sum of his parts, blah blah blah, bob loblaw. Call it heteronormative, but how women see the superhero is extremely important. This my friends, is where I can offer you some perspective.

What I'm suggesting is that the Iron Man represents the ideal. In no particular order, here's why:

1. He's rich. Yah, in real life nobody cares, but Pepper gets paid enough to wear Louboutins. I'm all for bohemian poverty but you can't say that those sweet views of the ocean aren't nice.

2. Speaking of which, design savvy. Iron Man has the most beautiful living room ever-- my favorite that I've seen on film since Jackie Treehorn's in The Big Lebowski.

3. He's hot. Again, one of those things that you like to pretend doesn't matter, but let's all enjoy a moment in silence, just thinking about what a fox Robert Downey Jr. is now that he's given up tranny prostitutes in favor of fitness. I mean really. RDJ will be hotter as Sherlock Holmes than anyone ever imagined. Even if he does have crazy eyes.

4. He's cocky. The character of Tony is setup at the beginning of the movie as a total player. Say what you will, but that kind of confidence matters. None of that reluctant Peter Parker business.

5. Makes sacrifices for business for the common good. Everyone likes a team player. And he reforms. Women love a changed man who has learned a lesson or two.

6. He's smart. Honestly, the best bit of the whole movie? "I know the math," he says to Jarvis as he defies his own limitations to propel himself into the air during that final battle at the end. This requires no further explanation because it is the hottest line ever spoken in all of the movies. "I know the math." Sweet jesus.

7. Respects Pepper because she is smart, trustworthy and reliable. This is one of those things that's like, "Really? This is an ideal?" because it should be status quo. Until somebody tells you-- you the woman-- that you are too smart.

8. He's handy. He builds an energy source in a cave! Come on, who doesn't want to be with McGyver when the pipes burst.

9. He brings it-- a lover AND a fighter.

10. He owns it. Given the opportunity to use a statement to gloss over his achievements, Tony owns it. With total honesty, he proclaims, "I am Iron Man." None of this lame pretending not to be the hero, Iron Man IS Iron Man. Notice how Pepper is in a much better place than MJ or Rachel? Notice how the relationship between Pepper and Tony is much better? It's because Iron Man owns it.

So there you have it. Iron Man is amazing.

p.s. In other news, I just realized that the director of Iron Man-- whom I recognized while he plays the bodyguard / driver-- was in Swingers AND Elf (which he also directed). Perhaps Jon Favreau is the perfect filmmaker?


Mum said...

Glad that you liked the package. Enjoy!

Big Brother said...

Hey, Bob Loblaw called and wants to congratulate you on 400 posts, but adds that you may want to spend a little less time analyzing fictional characters and a little more time figuring out where all of the commas are supposed go in that mega thesis we're all waiting to read...

But, seriously, RDJ (and, yes, I'm just realizing that he sort of shares initials with Richard D. James, a.k.a. Aphex Twin...pretty cool...)...is a realistically shredded dude (and by that I mean, probably not on the Juice) whom I will likely idolize after seeing this new Holmes flick...A.C.DOYLE RULES!