Can I just say that I am having the hardest time getting into this semester? With a month of classes behind me I still feel like I am wading in, getting accustomed to the feel of water on my swimsuit yet at the same time completely not giving a fuck about the whole ocean before me. Ugh. With week after week of procrastinated research and feeling completely disengaged from my readings, I can't help but wonder that anything will ever get done-- and when it inevitably (despite my doubts) does get done, if it is going to be anything all that meaningful.
It's not that being a historian in training doesn't have its fun times-- I love getting around the table with my American West class every week to haggle over what's Turnerian and what's New Western History. I love those moments when I am actually digging into my thesis and I can be like, "Oh, Phyllis" because there she is again, stirring shit up. But those rare moments of satisfaction during the week do nothing to slake my yearning to simply go to work, work, and then be done with it when I go home. I seldom feel expert. I rarely feel the motivation to keep going through this process for at least 5 more years, and then the added seeming eternity between then and retirement. Shouldn't I care more? Shouldn't I be more excited by this? It's not boring by any means-- and I am completely aware that lifestyle-wise, grad school is hard to beat-- but I am starting to wonder if this is really the best thing to be doing, you know, forever.
And Utah, Utah is really starting to get under my skin. I love the climate and Salt Lake is ultimately a really nice city, but I am starting to feel so ground down by local culture. But that's another post entirely.
So what do I do? I suppose first, I go home to Tacoma next week for some much needed R & R with my fam-fam. Hopefully that will help kick me into gear for the rest of the semester. Second, I am thinking that I could just can the whole PhD thing and go to library school.