The geniuses at FoT are at it again.
Showing posts with label nerves. Show all posts
Showing posts with label nerves. Show all posts
04 August 2011
17 April 2010
easy living.
It's the most wonderful time of the year! Everyone in my little world here- including myself- and many friends far away-- is in the midst of that last big thrust of effort before the end of the semester. For me this includes not only unhealthy binges on reading, writing, and coffee, but also hiding books I don't have time to read, letting mountains of dirty clothes pile up to Everest-like heights, and of course, online shopping. It is a time of extremes and immoderation. Which is why it's nice when the universe sends me messages like this:
and this:
and this:
(brought to me fortuitously by putting my iTunes library on shuffle because you know I'm my father's daughter and I am all over The Eagles in my iTunes)
(I don't know about you, but their 70s mops bring me endless amounts of joy) (boys, take note!)
Best wishes to all y'all wrapping up the semester!
Take a deep breath! The end is near... so get back to work!!!
19 March 2009
trial by blog, update.
First I wanted to thank everyone for their fantastic, well thought out feedback. It's given me a lot to chew on and it has been nice to know that people care so much about my journey. Feel free to leave thoughts if anything else comes to you. The jury is still out and will be, perhaps, for a few more weeks. I talked to the graduate director at School B today and here is the information I now have:
-I have until the "official" April 15th deadline to respond, although they have asked people to respond by April 1. So, hypothetically, they could make me an offer during that 2 week span if they have TAships to give out. After that, in spite of it being an ethical quandry, she said I could accept both schools and pull out from one during the summer. Not preferable, she noted, but she suggested that I do what I need to do on that front. Basically, she made it sound like she's letting me make my acceptance of admissions contingent upon funding if that's how I want to do it. Not sure I feel good about accepting multiple schools, but I like having until the 15th.
-She said that last year they were able to fund everybody that wanted to come; most years, they are able to offer 80%. People that come unfunded are almost always funded by the second year. It's hard to know what the circumstances will be this year, but historically they have a good track record for funding.
--Their waitlist is chronological with PhDs getting priority-- she didn't say where I'm at on the list but I am definitely in the top group.
--Touchy feely stuff that gave me a good impression: she recalled my writing sample and commented on how interesting it was. She also said they don't admit people that they don't want to come (no courtesy admissions). Her advice to me was that if only thing holding me back is money then I should think pretty seriously about coming, something my Mom told me about an hour before.
What did I get out of this? Well, even though she couldn't make any guarantees as to what kind of offer they will be able to make, she represented her program well and tried to give me confidence in the program. And really? I appreciated that she was in her office calling people back at 6:30pm.
So I'm undecided, still, and I'm going to let it be that way for a while(I will probably continue to shrink from the stress... that's another post for another time...).
Tough tittie in Tacoma City, as my grandmother would say.
-I have until the "official" April 15th deadline to respond, although they have asked people to respond by April 1. So, hypothetically, they could make me an offer during that 2 week span if they have TAships to give out. After that, in spite of it being an ethical quandry, she said I could accept both schools and pull out from one during the summer. Not preferable, she noted, but she suggested that I do what I need to do on that front. Basically, she made it sound like she's letting me make my acceptance of admissions contingent upon funding if that's how I want to do it. Not sure I feel good about accepting multiple schools, but I like having until the 15th.
-She said that last year they were able to fund everybody that wanted to come; most years, they are able to offer 80%. People that come unfunded are almost always funded by the second year. It's hard to know what the circumstances will be this year, but historically they have a good track record for funding.
--Their waitlist is chronological with PhDs getting priority-- she didn't say where I'm at on the list but I am definitely in the top group.
--Touchy feely stuff that gave me a good impression: she recalled my writing sample and commented on how interesting it was. She also said they don't admit people that they don't want to come (no courtesy admissions). Her advice to me was that if only thing holding me back is money then I should think pretty seriously about coming, something my Mom told me about an hour before.
What did I get out of this? Well, even though she couldn't make any guarantees as to what kind of offer they will be able to make, she represented her program well and tried to give me confidence in the program. And really? I appreciated that she was in her office calling people back at 6:30pm.
So I'm undecided, still, and I'm going to let it be that way for a while(I will probably continue to shrink from the stress... that's another post for another time...).
Tough tittie in Tacoma City, as my grandmother would say.
18 March 2009
trial by blog.
I have a conundrum that I would like to put forth to my readers, mostly because I don't really feel like calling everyone to get their perspective. I have two options.
School A: Offered me a funding package including full tuition benefit and a stipend.
I go to School A already. I have good relationships with the faculty, find the location to be very livable, beautiful and comfortable and I have many wonderful friends here. I've gotten good public history experience here and would continue to have such opportunities. Granted it's a really tough year for the job market-- nobody that I know who's applied for jobs with a PhD from my school has gotten hired. For the uninitiated, everyone in our field is operating on the assumption that the job market will continue to be rough.
School B: Waitlisted me for a similar funding package and won't notify waitlisted people until after they accept the admissions offer. Basically, they are asking me to make a blind decision.
School B is located in a huge metropolis on the other side of the country-- living there would definitely be an adventure and would offer more of a singles "scene" (not to mention great cultural and sporting events, the resources of several other universities in town and it is only a few hours away from some of the best libraries in the country)-- and I could take my car there. It has a very strong group of 20th century US historians and offers excellent public history training. School B is more prestigious than School A, and they have a very good rate of job placement (everyone who's worked with the person I would like to work with now has a university teaching job).
So which one would you choose? Short term stability with a risk of not getting a job at the end, or short term risk with a reasonable guarantee for employment at the end? What questions would you ask and what factors would you take into account? Flights between both places and home cost basically the same, for example. Both schools have the same school color, though School B has a cooler mascot. I'm tossing up a poll in the sidebar, but do leave a comment with your rationale.
School A: Offered me a funding package including full tuition benefit and a stipend.
I go to School A already. I have good relationships with the faculty, find the location to be very livable, beautiful and comfortable and I have many wonderful friends here. I've gotten good public history experience here and would continue to have such opportunities. Granted it's a really tough year for the job market-- nobody that I know who's applied for jobs with a PhD from my school has gotten hired. For the uninitiated, everyone in our field is operating on the assumption that the job market will continue to be rough.
School B: Waitlisted me for a similar funding package and won't notify waitlisted people until after they accept the admissions offer. Basically, they are asking me to make a blind decision.
School B is located in a huge metropolis on the other side of the country-- living there would definitely be an adventure and would offer more of a singles "scene" (not to mention great cultural and sporting events, the resources of several other universities in town and it is only a few hours away from some of the best libraries in the country)-- and I could take my car there. It has a very strong group of 20th century US historians and offers excellent public history training. School B is more prestigious than School A, and they have a very good rate of job placement (everyone who's worked with the person I would like to work with now has a university teaching job).
So which one would you choose? Short term stability with a risk of not getting a job at the end, or short term risk with a reasonable guarantee for employment at the end? What questions would you ask and what factors would you take into account? Flights between both places and home cost basically the same, for example. Both schools have the same school color, though School B has a cooler mascot. I'm tossing up a poll in the sidebar, but do leave a comment with your rationale.
27 June 2008
doubt.
I am starting to think that I am not meant for the solitary pursuit that is summer research. Plagued by disinterest-- not in the topic, but in the act-- I watch the looming deadline draw closer without any desire to make the necessary phone call that comprises the vital next step. It's making me wonder if I'm really on the right path, if I really want fifty more summers of digging through boxes or lying awake at night thinking about the infinite series of next steps. I can't believe I'm writing this-- last summer's me would yell at me with a completely unhinged ferocity-- but I miss the days of leaving work at work. I like where I'm at with my current job, making my own hours and mindlessly listening, but it's obviously not a pattern that can be sustained over half a century. Not that I'm sure my flagging interest in research can be, either. As professors say "Do a PhD, it'll be fun!" and my peers start to ask where I'm thinking about going in 2009 while at the same time, my stack of notecards recieves no more attention than a dismissive stare-- I have to say I'm just not sure about this. I don't like grad school without classes and I loathe more and more the sense that I have so little control over my future.
Sorry to be so dark.
Sorry to be so dark.
09 June 2008
house parties and being filled with love and whatevs.
Ok, so I am filled with love right now as I have just seen some of my friend's wedding pictures-- said wedding which of course I missed because I am a prisoner of the Wasatch Front*** and my thesis and goals and shit. Glad I saved the wine for Sunday because Sunday is always the day that I wish I had some, because I am prone to loneliness and reading outside and watching movies and being alone and stuff. Wine helps in making it suck less, which gives me some insight into Jesus, who also drank wine. I mean, after being chased around and shit by the Romans and the Pharisees et. al I think you would need something for the nerves. Which I can relate to, of course, because I am filled WITH NERVES because my successful interview lady HAS NOT EMAILED ME WITH HER CONTACTS. Which is a PROBLEM because I HAVE DEADLINES, PEOPLE.
Ok, but for your sake, I am going to keep it positive, because I am now, yet again, filled with white wine, and MORE unusually, filled with love. So first, my gramma is awesome because she called me back, and I haven't talked to her in a while, and she reminded me of the eight thousand reasons why I loved living with her-- the woman is amazing, she takes care of everybody and is SO UPBEAT ABOUT IT. And we just talked, like we used to when I would come home from school or reffing and she would tell me everything she ate that day and the dish on all the family. If you find me plodding about really, really fast in a pair of Sketchers with my sweatshirt sleeves rolled up, trust that I am trying to emulate this awesome woman who is clearly assuming the role of matriarch since the actual matriarch has taking to Houdini-ism******* (Gram-E's words, not mine). :D
Anywho, I watched Better Off Dead. For its genre ('80s teen movie) I thought it was pretty good-- in some ways it completely kills (SKI CHOREOGRAPHY?!?! ON ONE FOOT?!?!) and in other ways it sucks ass (weird talking hamburgers). I suppose one could just obtain some Warren Miller to compensate for the skiing but you have to see this film because, and only because, JOHN CUSACK IS SUCH A CUTIE. So cute, in fact, that all of his subsequent films INSTANTANEOUSLY BECOME ANNOYING!*
Now that I am having some Hogue it reminds me of a recent wedding that I DID attend in which I consumed about as much Hogue as I've had now. And I am filled WITH EVEN MORE LOVE. Which reminds me of a post I was intending to do about HOW MUCH I LOVE HOUSE PARTIES*****. Seriously, I told my friend that House Parties**** are better than church. Sure, I mean there isn't the God factor (which I dig, but find ways to encounter in everyday life) but in terms of social contacting, it's like all the mingling without feeling forced too BECAUSE IT'S MY CALLING, AND OMG, LITERALLY, GOD WANTS ME TO KNOW AND LOVE EVERYONE! So it's way more comfortable, and at this particular HOUSE PARTY OF AWESOME-NESS, not only did I find awesome Mexican beer but many awesome APPROACHABLE PEOPLE which made me feel better about humanity in general. I mean, so many people just living and keeping it real in the SLC and that's what it's all about, right?! Right, Jim Hortis, regular reader and impending birthday extraordinaire??!?!? I mean hell, there was even a bit o' dancing and talk of LINDA KERBER.
It is my opinion that Librarian House Parties are WAY cooler than Skiier House Parties... though Skiier House Parties are of course cool in their own way, like that one time they threw Joe in the hottub with his clothes on. Obviously the Skiiers are a younger crowd, which is again a way in which the Librarians rock, because they are more my age and shit, or at least more my type because they drink like fish but are not so young and overt about DRINKiNG ALL THAT NATTY LITE****** (Librarians are smart and do the Hard A). Cheers to Librarian House Parties, and also cheers to Jim, because I never had any Jack Daniels before (and cheers to Big Brother for the recommendation) and now a bottle of my own is totes on my list** and also to Jim, because he was in a drunken state of elasticity that made me really, really look forward to my own birthday. In AUGUST. DON'T FORGET. THERE WILL BE A HUGE PARTY.
Anywho, the moral of the story is that the day of loneliness is much tempered by a call back from GRAM-E and an 80's teen flick and a bottle o' Hogue.
Frick.
Now I have to go back and link all of my meaningful references.
*sorry ABOUT THE CAPS LOCK but every time I do it IT MAKES MY EYES BUG OUT and I feel SO FULL OF EMPHASIS. Like I'm not yelling at you, BUT MY EYES ARE BUGGY, kind of JUST LIKE MY WHOLE FAMILY DOES. Ok. Inside joke, I APOLOGIZE. :P
**Because white wines is kind of expensive to go through a bottle each time, you know? Hard A is more of an investment or at least economical IN THESE TIMES of ECONOMIC HARDSHIP. Because I keep spending ALL MY MONEY on GAS to drive to the RIVAL SCHOOL AND HAVE AMAZING MILKSHAKES. But I digress, because my tongue is numb.
***I only feel that way on Sundays, when I am too not-busy to feel otherwise.
****Capitalized because House Parties are my third favorite thing, behind Nieces/Immediate-family-tasticness (including Sister in Law!!! she is so rad!!! and such a contributor to feisty nieces!!!! yeah!!!!!!!) and Chocolate Cake with Chocolate Frosting.
*****U know it's on my Netflix queue!
******which too my credit I only drink after skiing when it's been chillin in the snow all day and usually I go to bed after the Hard A and good beer is gone and as a personal policy, do not ever, ever drink canned aluminium tasting beers, except after skiing.
and p.s. if i am ever applying for a job, this blog will become way, way more anonymous in about eight thousand different ways. just so you aren't worried about me being screwed and even more poor after all this hard work (in relation to my career, not work posting-- believe you me i save all the emotional work for my journal, suckaz-- and perceived as a three times a week lush or something, which seems like a lot more than it is, really.
p.p.s it was not the whole bottle, there is still a glass left, suuuccckkkazzz.
*******Her career as an escape artist, since her removal to the Fijian old person's home of compassion, though she does not remember it, inspires me, if anything because she is in some way sticking it to THE MAN in a way that I know she'll be proud of when she gets to a place after this life in which she's in a place to appreciate it because she has ROCKED being old . I like to think she would've wanted it that way, back in the day when she was just bragging about subscribing to Mother Jones and being naturopathic and taking laughing classes and being 90 and living alone. Great-g truly set the example for aging in our family in a way that I look for me and my bro and all of my cuz-power to rock. Watch out, suburbs of Tacoma.
Ok, but for your sake, I am going to keep it positive, because I am now, yet again, filled with white wine, and MORE unusually, filled with love. So first, my gramma is awesome because she called me back, and I haven't talked to her in a while, and she reminded me of the eight thousand reasons why I loved living with her-- the woman is amazing, she takes care of everybody and is SO UPBEAT ABOUT IT. And we just talked, like we used to when I would come home from school or reffing and she would tell me everything she ate that day and the dish on all the family. If you find me plodding about really, really fast in a pair of Sketchers with my sweatshirt sleeves rolled up, trust that I am trying to emulate this awesome woman who is clearly assuming the role of matriarch since the actual matriarch has taking to Houdini-ism******* (Gram-E's words, not mine). :D
Anywho, I watched Better Off Dead. For its genre ('80s teen movie) I thought it was pretty good-- in some ways it completely kills (SKI CHOREOGRAPHY?!?! ON ONE FOOT?!?!) and in other ways it sucks ass (weird talking hamburgers). I suppose one could just obtain some Warren Miller to compensate for the skiing but you have to see this film because, and only because, JOHN CUSACK IS SUCH A CUTIE. So cute, in fact, that all of his subsequent films INSTANTANEOUSLY BECOME ANNOYING!*
Now that I am having some Hogue it reminds me of a recent wedding that I DID attend in which I consumed about as much Hogue as I've had now. And I am filled WITH EVEN MORE LOVE. Which reminds me of a post I was intending to do about HOW MUCH I LOVE HOUSE PARTIES*****. Seriously, I told my friend that House Parties**** are better than church. Sure, I mean there isn't the God factor (which I dig, but find ways to encounter in everyday life) but in terms of social contacting, it's like all the mingling without feeling forced too BECAUSE IT'S MY CALLING, AND OMG, LITERALLY, GOD WANTS ME TO KNOW AND LOVE EVERYONE! So it's way more comfortable, and at this particular HOUSE PARTY OF AWESOME-NESS, not only did I find awesome Mexican beer but many awesome APPROACHABLE PEOPLE which made me feel better about humanity in general. I mean, so many people just living and keeping it real in the SLC and that's what it's all about, right?! Right, Jim Hortis, regular reader and impending birthday extraordinaire??!?!? I mean hell, there was even a bit o' dancing and talk of LINDA KERBER.
It is my opinion that Librarian House Parties are WAY cooler than Skiier House Parties... though Skiier House Parties are of course cool in their own way, like that one time they threw Joe in the hottub with his clothes on. Obviously the Skiiers are a younger crowd, which is again a way in which the Librarians rock, because they are more my age and shit, or at least more my type because they drink like fish but are not so young and overt about DRINKiNG ALL THAT NATTY LITE****** (Librarians are smart and do the Hard A). Cheers to Librarian House Parties, and also cheers to Jim, because I never had any Jack Daniels before (and cheers to Big Brother for the recommendation) and now a bottle of my own is totes on my list** and also to Jim, because he was in a drunken state of elasticity that made me really, really look forward to my own birthday. In AUGUST. DON'T FORGET. THERE WILL BE A HUGE PARTY.
Anywho, the moral of the story is that the day of loneliness is much tempered by a call back from GRAM-E and an 80's teen flick and a bottle o' Hogue.
Frick.
Now I have to go back and link all of my meaningful references.
*sorry ABOUT THE CAPS LOCK but every time I do it IT MAKES MY EYES BUG OUT and I feel SO FULL OF EMPHASIS. Like I'm not yelling at you, BUT MY EYES ARE BUGGY, kind of JUST LIKE MY WHOLE FAMILY DOES. Ok. Inside joke, I APOLOGIZE. :P
**Because white wines is kind of expensive to go through a bottle each time, you know? Hard A is more of an investment or at least economical IN THESE TIMES of ECONOMIC HARDSHIP. Because I keep spending ALL MY MONEY on GAS to drive to the RIVAL SCHOOL AND HAVE AMAZING MILKSHAKES. But I digress, because my tongue is numb.
***I only feel that way on Sundays, when I am too not-busy to feel otherwise.
****Capitalized because House Parties are my third favorite thing, behind Nieces/Immediate-family-tasticness (including Sister in Law!!! she is so rad!!! and such a contributor to feisty nieces!!!! yeah!!!!!!!) and Chocolate Cake with Chocolate Frosting.
*****U know it's on my Netflix queue!
******which too my credit I only drink after skiing when it's been chillin in the snow all day and usually I go to bed after the Hard A and good beer is gone and as a personal policy, do not ever, ever drink canned aluminium tasting beers, except after skiing.
and p.s. if i am ever applying for a job, this blog will become way, way more anonymous in about eight thousand different ways. just so you aren't worried about me being screwed and even more poor after all this hard work (in relation to my career, not work posting-- believe you me i save all the emotional work for my journal, suckaz-- and perceived as a three times a week lush or something, which seems like a lot more than it is, really.
p.p.s it was not the whole bottle, there is still a glass left, suuuccckkkazzz.
*******Her career as an escape artist, since her removal to the Fijian old person's home of compassion, though she does not remember it, inspires me, if anything because she is in some way sticking it to THE MAN in a way that I know she'll be proud of when she gets to a place after this life in which she's in a place to appreciate it because she has ROCKED being old . I like to think she would've wanted it that way, back in the day when she was just bragging about subscribing to Mother Jones and being naturopathic and taking laughing classes and being 90 and living alone. Great-g truly set the example for aging in our family in a way that I look for me and my bro and all of my cuz-power to rock. Watch out, suburbs of Tacoma.
01 May 2008
bigger than my britches.
Yah, I know I should be working on like, the bazillion things technically due tomorrow, and I will get to them, honestly (AND I will make it to the Humanities Graduation! boo-yah!). Admittedly the barrage of good news this week has left me with an impressive lack of urgency in wrapping up my semester (I'm not really sure how there's a correlation). As many know, not only did I get official affirmation of my assistantship for next year (and a raise for the summer!--probably to make up for all the hours not worked this semester) but I found out that I got accepted to an oral history seminar at the RivalSchoolThatMustNotBeNamed that includes (!) getting published in a book (it's like I start freaking out--in a good way-- every time I think about this and a big inevitable smile crosses my face) (talk about the most money writing sample for PhD applications ever) (excuse my boastfulness, this is all just really, really affirming). So yah, I got my big break this week. Excuse me if I stop to savor it oh, every ten minutes or so.
But I assure you that my laziness is not cocky-ness.
You know why? Because I just cozied up with my Oral History Association newsletter (I am so proud of myself for joining! I feel so legit now!) and some of the people accepted to my seminar were interviewed for their role in doing a 150 person interview project.* Holy shitbuckets!** Featured in the national newsletter! Now I admit that after I googled everybody who got into the conference-- and I'm the only MA student and one of 3 students admitted-- but the more I get a feel for the caliber of people going to the seminar, the more out of my league I feel. I mean cool, I got accepted, but shit, now I have to produce a paper for these really accomplished people with research I have yet to do. It's daunting. Really daunting. And humbling-- the uncomfortable kind of humbling that makes you want to crawl under the desk. It's like the strangest and most potent combination of ego-boost and self-doubt I think I've ever experienced.
But, as I say all the freaking time, grad school is a confidence game, and I can only benefit from playing up to their skill level, right?
*that is an pretty huge project. I'm hoping for 10 for the conference paper and 20 for the thesis and that's pretty good size, at least for one person.
**that's the word of the week... it emerged in a fit of pseudo-Tourettes road rage on Monday and has yet to go away (the word, that is--the road rage is long gone).
But I assure you that my laziness is not cocky-ness.
You know why? Because I just cozied up with my Oral History Association newsletter (I am so proud of myself for joining! I feel so legit now!) and some of the people accepted to my seminar were interviewed for their role in doing a 150 person interview project.* Holy shitbuckets!** Featured in the national newsletter! Now I admit that after I googled everybody who got into the conference-- and I'm the only MA student and one of 3 students admitted-- but the more I get a feel for the caliber of people going to the seminar, the more out of my league I feel. I mean cool, I got accepted, but shit, now I have to produce a paper for these really accomplished people with research I have yet to do. It's daunting. Really daunting. And humbling-- the uncomfortable kind of humbling that makes you want to crawl under the desk. It's like the strangest and most potent combination of ego-boost and self-doubt I think I've ever experienced.
But, as I say all the freaking time, grad school is a confidence game, and I can only benefit from playing up to their skill level, right?
*that is an pretty huge project. I'm hoping for 10 for the conference paper and 20 for the thesis and that's pretty good size, at least for one person.
**that's the word of the week... it emerged in a fit of pseudo-Tourettes road rage on Monday and has yet to go away (the word, that is--the road rage is long gone).
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