obligatory muppets repost.

My best friend shared this with me today.  I wasn't feeling particularly cheerless, but it still cheered me up.

Now back to reading about Hare Krishnas...

at the very least, a case for wearing a helmet.

Last night, a friend and I were headed home after a very long day.  He hit a deep pothole and crashed his bike.  I was riding slowly behind and don't really remember seeing him crash, just feeling like I was moving in slow motion as I rode up to him, and tried in vain to enable my kickstand.  Exasperated, I threw the bike down and slowly pieced things together.  He was not getting up. He was unconscious.  He was breathing heavily.  A stream of blood spilled out of his head onto the pavement.  I felt one hundred percent helpless, alone, yelling his name in the yellowy streetlight and wishing he had been wearing a helmet. 


A car stopped and the couple in it called 911.  A cop came instantly and my friend came to.  An ambulance came and efficiently took him away on a backboard, leaving me to make frantic phone calls.  They asked me if I wanted to go in the ambulance, but what would become of our bikes?  I was completely bewildered. The cop waited in his car while I sat out on the curb, waiting with the bikes until my roommate came by bike to wait for a friend with a car to come.  We huddled together and tried to process the horror of the incident, and then we crammed the bikes and three people into a Ford Focus hatchback.  My roommate rode off to the hospital and I was taken home to be managed and consoled because, as you can imagine, I was pretty out of it.


It is an awful and surreal thing to be covered in the blood of someone you love.  


Even though my coat has been washed and all the stains came out, I still see the blood smeared in bright red relief against the sublime light gray cotton.  I was wearing my terror, my fear, the feeling that the moment had somehow transformed me.  


Feeling like la pieta there in the street, I couldn't help but wonder what it means to be washed in the blood of The Lamb.  






(my friend has come out battered but alright- still at the hospital, he has been treated for a concussion and facial fractures. we are pooling our dollars to buy the man a helmet.)

end of the decade commemorative post.

The 2000s are over.  Hurray!  I've been reading so many commemorative accounts of what to call the decade (I liked this one from The New Yorker) and summaries of events (I liked this icon chart from The New York Times) that like, really, how glad am I, as an individual and an American, to put this decade behind me?

IIn honor of that simpler time- before hanging chads, 9-11, the Iraq War, swift-boating, sustainability, iPods, social networking sites, the recession, and change you can believe in- or for me, before dating, state lacrosse championships, parental divorce, baptism, high school graduation, community college, acquiring a sister-in-law, singles wards, college, nieces, working, and graduate school in two states-- I present to you my own lackluster account, straight from my journal, of New Year's Eve, 2000.  I was a sophomore in high school.  If anything, in contrast to my account of 2009, the entry is evidence that the most humdrum of occasions (dancing in a gym? come on!) can portend a decade of change, accomplishment, and greatness.  However you celebrate it, Happy New Year!

(edited in spots for coherency; names abbreviated to protect the innocent. spelling errors left intact.)

"DUN-DUH-DUN! HAPPY NEW YR.! It's January 1, 2000, 2:18 am!
Time 4 the MILLENIUM REPORT!


Alright, a quick run down of todays events...
11:30 wake up by hang up phone call
1-2 library, checked out The Divine Comedy by Dante, Beloved by Toni Morrison, etc.*
2-4 Reading
4-4:15- attempt to get ready for planned "Main Street" course run (27th to 67th, 67th to Cirque, Cirque to Grandview, Grandview to 27th, up 27th to home)
4:20 leave house, under excuse of don't want to be worn out, do the "2000 m spring" (approx) in 7:21, w/rest / 1000m.


My last millenium meal:
-1.5 beer marinated pork chop, dipped in ketchup & Sweet Baby Ray's BBQ sauce
-shoestring french fries
-water


We ate with Big Brother, Mom, Big Sister and Dad.


-Big Brother hosted a small get together and smoked stogies w/ T at midnight.
-Mom went to CF's, as tradition stands.
-Dad worked, unwillingly.


And A showed up early- at 7- for the big par-tay, so we could help set up.  Of all places, the Tac-South Stake [city-wide conglomeration of Mormon congregations] rented out our High School, so I went to school for New Years!


We left [the party] around 8:15, went to Dairy Queen, but someone was in our spots so we stopped by my house for a bit o Toblerone ( :) ) and went to B2's house for a while. Went back to the school- swung by the Youth dance for a while, but there were way too many little kids in there and it smelled like B.O. Danced with B2 to one song and then me and A had a shift managing the inflatable "bouncer" for 30 minutes.  Then we hooked up with J & E & went to E's house. The boys played pool & we girls were obnoxious with this big blue bouncy ball. Got back to school @ 11... that's when New Year's got fun.  The dance was movin, and it was a great time. I got sick of following A & B though, so I just hung out with the other group I know- lot's o' fun!


Last Song- "I'm Dreamin'"- Selena
Partner- Freshman DD


Then we did the countdown and poof- 2000! The lights stayed on & I came home. Ate licorice, triscuits & choc milk & a See's mint truffle, read Harry Potter & The Chamber of Secrets and am now here.


My goal, as told to A & B, was not to be an old spinster this millenium.**


Oh, my attire for the eve. was:
new heman shirt
green cargo shorts
brown Saltwater sandals
old navy pullover, gray fleece***


My goals for this yr, officially are:
-to lose at least 5-7 lbs & keep it off
-Learn the non-metric distance system (yds. vs. meters)
-play la-x & run varsity x-c
-build my testimony
-expand my base of friends
-get kissed
-be a better friend to J
-not eat so much chocolate!


...Merry freakin' millenium, as Dad said!
-Melanie"


*I'd love to know what the etc. was, as I never read either of the books listed.
**Jury is still out on how I'm doing on that one. Good thing I have 90 years to work on it...
**It just so happens that I still own this entire outfit.

gratitude.

It's time for the annual "I'm thankful for" list. I'm just dashing it out as I have a lot of writing to do this evening, but this really is one of my favorite yearly exercises.

I am thankful for my always supportive family. They keep me going when times are tough. They give me perspective and insight and patience and love.  In this past year in particular, they generously and graciously opened their homes to me when I needed the time and the space to rebuild my tattered sense of self. My family sustains me, and there really aren't words to express how grateful I am for that.  I couldn't do this alone. I can't wait to be with them soon!

I am thankful for opportunities. I'm grateful I'm in my seventh year of college. I'm thankful that I've been able to travel, present at conferences, meet new people, take on exciting projects, and have such a dang cool career path. I forget how awesome it is when I get caught up in the drudgery and the logistics, but I'm glad that I continuously get reminded that I am doing something special.

I am thankful I changed my life. This city, this school, this program, this life, these challenges-- they were all exactly what I needed. I have never worked so hard or put so much of myself into anything, and I'm grateful for what that experience has done to my spirit. I feel fortified. I am glad I didn't take other paths and that so many things in my life didn't happen so that I can be here, now.

I am thankful that I sold my car and became a bike commuter. The 455 miles I've ridden since moving to Philly last August have made my body fit and relieved me of so much stress.  Those miles also allow me to consume lager and fries several times a week without consequences, which I am particularly grateful for.

Which reminds me, I am thankful for my health. In a season of colds and swine flu, I feel phenomenally blessed that I have not been sick once. 

I am thankful for my friends in every time zone. I like knowing that they are out there in the world being good people and making the world a better place. It gives me hope. I am thankful that we have the bonds that we do. 

In the moment- I'm thankful I have a place to be this Thanksgiving. I'm thankful that in the past month I've become apart of a great group of friends who give me endless opportunities to laugh. I'm grateful for the prospect of pear butterscotch pie, a ride in the rain, finally being able to understand how to write about political culture, and getting to tell stories that have never been told this way.  I'm thankful for white Christmas lights and a roommate who, in five seconds, is going to ask me to help him start preparing an amazing meal for tomorrow.  And I'm thankful for all of you who read my blog and make me smile with your comments and encouragement. I have so much to be thankful for!

Happy Thanksgiving! 

the eyes of my eyes are opened.

 e.e. cummings' "i thank you god for this most amazing" popped into my head this morning.  To me it's the happiest, sunshiney-ist poem in the world, a sincere prayer of gratitude that I have oft repeated. It reads:

i thank You God for most this amazing
day: for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday; this is the birth
day of life and love and wings: and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any--lifted from the no
of all nothing--human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

This morning I considered sarcastically rewriting it, including the damnable heavy rain and the tribulations of being a graduate student as apart of my fascetious catalog of blessings. I decided against it for sake of time (being in such a hurry to leave the house to go to school to read a book that I forgot at home, in the rush) and went on my merry day.

At midday, I hit the wall, admitted defeat, and resigned myself to the misery brought upon me by my own forgetfulness, copiers, my eagerness to sign up for conferences I don't have time for, and even my own acid tongue.  

It was an off day, and when I got home I started to tweet that the only redeeming quality of the it was that I had realized that I had good hair this morning, and throughout the mess of my day had continually been able to say, "at least I have really great hair."

But.

I kept finding things to add on that had made the day better, and had vastly exceeded my number of allowed characters with all of my qualifications.  There were so many redeeming qualities in my day! So many good people that make my life better! So many that I had to name them, one by one:

-an in-depth discussion about gin with L.

-A letting me whine ad nauseum about my troubles, including particularly pathetic complaints about soap residue. What a saint.

-unexpected professional development in class, which included a professor memorably giving a student five dollars for a well timed comment.

-Realizing with R that we constitute a peanut gallery, and getting to liken us to these guys:

(I am the short one, naturally)

-In turn, getting to talk about muppets at school.

-Did I mention how fun it is to have a girl friend here? Finally!

-A very nice girl brought "Happy World Series & Halloween" candy to class that included my favorite, Reese's PB cups.

-Seeing a modest, incredibly smart professor get the accolades she deserves. There was so much love in the room! Why do we wait until funerals to tell people how great they are?

-Free wine. Free wine. Free wine.

-M (a man) talking in a very loud voice about douching (you had to be there).

-My roommate telling me I should make cookies for our party instead of getting candy because my baking is so much better.

-A dry, low traffic, twilight ride home, complete with plenty of yellow leaves on the ground to ride through.

I don't talk to god hardly at all anymore, but some days I just have to put it out into the universe how glad I am that somebody- and so many- make(s) my life as beautiful and wonderful as it is. 

Good hair is a start, but being apart of everything which is natural which is infinite which is yes is so much better.

(excuse the wonky formatting... evil Blogger....)

rocky mountain high.

After not posting for twelve days, guilt is finally starting to set in. I know, I know, twitter isn't enough for you people! (you people!!!) My first impulse was to post this Whitney Houston video because I fell in love with the song watching VH1 while I was in Denver (tvs are so novel to me), and then I was like, oh yah, I went to Denver!

There were so many awesome things about the trip. I went for a Western history conference, and of course enjoyed the expected joys of conference attendance- finding out what kind of work other people are doing, networking, presenting, free coffee. Less expected, but definitely what made the trip worthwhile, was the time spent with friends. It was a strong reminder to me that facebook is so illusory- connecting and reconnecting in person matter. The memories of the weekend will definitely buoy me through the intensity of the rest of my semester.

I was lucky to have extra time after the conference to see the city. While exploring on Sunday, I was stoked to come across this:

Pretty sweet huh? I'd been bummed about not being able to take the folding bike and the total dearth of bikes in downtown Denver (well, it was freezing), so I was pumped to stumble upon the very promising beginnings of a city-supported bike program.

years later.

via NYT

More than any other season, the coming of fall moves me to remembrance. The crisp air and turning leaves herald anxious first days of school, cross country races, divorce, the beginning and end of my own relationships, death, and the assumption and throwing off of religious beliefs. If anything is going to happen in my life, it happens in the fall. When nature goes into transition, so do I.

As time has passed, I've traded the dread of autumn- oh no, my life is going to fall apart, again- for preparation. Anticipating upheaval, why, It's mid-September and I've already lost and gained back the stress weight, feverishly baked pies, brownies, and cookies to impose order on my world, vacillated between sunny and sad music (mostly sad), lived for every solace bringing family phone call, and heck, I've even thrown myself into my work with all the intensity of a first year PhD student so that I don't have to think about things. I still feel the losses, the abject loneliness that comes with things you can't change, but with time I have the benefit of experience and hindsight to buoy me through it.

Because nobody can tell you at the time:

that eight years after your parent's divorce, your family will be healed and emerging as something bigger, better.

that seven years after she died that you will have found reserves of love to give that you didn't know you had.

that five years after he died, you'll be finding tranquility every day on a bike his memory spurred you to buy.

that five years after he broke your heart and you started to think about your potential, you'll be well travelled, doing fulfilling work on another coast, and someone you never could have been otherwise.

that two years after you left the church, you'll be living a life of untrammeled authenticity, boundless hope, and uncomprehendable peace.

Like Eve, I will take what the fall gives me.

me too.

Today I was reunited with a lot of old friends. After all the catching up and reflecting, I totally felt this postsecret.  I feel like kicking ass and taking names. I feel like a powerful woman. I feel totally immersed in and sustained by familial love.  I feel so completely in tune with so many possibilities and potentials that I never would have imagined for myself.  I turn 25 in two months and I could not be more excited for the rest of my life. The present is a magical time.

balance.

The lesson of the past day has been balance. There's been so much yin and yang going on that I feel a little startled by it. Perspective is all.

For example:
Got rear-ended yesterday afternoon BUT I got to see my cousin and his team from my alma mater play a lacrosse game in my 'hood.

His team lost BUT he gets the knowledge that family comes to his games, no matter where they are. Even if your older cousin is kind of embarrassing, she cares.

I didn't feel good BUT a friend brought over some Ben & Jerry's, with all its healing properties. I love my Utah friends so much. A girl could never have better caretakers.

I had to spend three hours at urgent care (plus 30 minutes travel each way) BUT I don't have brain damage or a broken neck.

I missed classes today BUT only 28 days until graduation.

I got a big stack of "explanation of benefits" forms from the kidney stone debacle that said I'll probably have to lay out 500 bones BUT in the same batch of mail I got an awesome supportive card from my grandparents. Love is what really matters, it's forever.

My house reeks to high heavens of Chinese food BUT my classy mother arranged for a hotel room for us when she's here-- so really only 27 days left in this apartment! Yeah!

Who knows what my funding situation is for next year BUT at least I did get a form to set up my email account at Temple-- I'm really going there!

I'm feeling very "count my blessings"-y right now... but hey, it's impossible to ignore that my life is filled with wonderful people who make it worthwhile. Life is good, even when it's not.

the moral of the story.

So today the thing most on my mind is how our lives get tied up with those of others. It's hard to articulate how you might not even remember meeting someone and how, over time and experience, fun and games and joy and pain and all of it, it's like you walk in step, you breathe at the same time, you think the same way or at least know what to expect from how they think, and suddenly or not so suddenly, what they do is inextricably a part of you and who you are and who you will be. I don't exactly get how we become so interwoven with people, how they become so braided into our lives that we don't know where they stop and we begin. It happens with people that we remember meeting, and people who aren't as tightly apart of our fabric, and people we tried to get rid of at certain points, but for whatever reason they stick and you find yourself with ties all over the place, with people who meet the needs of a particular moment, who tell you the right thing and the right time, who having been gone along time suddenly reappear. It is amazing to me to think of the people in my life who I couldn't imagine living without yet never imagined knowing. People we don't like and people we can't stop liking become indispensable.

We are the sum of our parts. Completely randomly I found myself in the Bible today-- via my cousin-- how the tables have turned-- and I loved this--

"Only let us live up to that which we have already attained."*

It's not about what we have, or who we have or who we don't have-- it's about what we've got and treasuring it, being the best at what we are and being treasured.


Thank you for reading my blog and being who you are.

*Philippians 4:16

eddie would go.

One of my friends shared this inspiring video with me and I thought I would share it with you.

we had that couch for twenty years. shoulda left the plastic on it.

I am in a "fuck this shit" kind of mood. I think I will drop out of school and become a wino. As of tomorrow you will be able to find me in Pioneer Park. :P j/k it hasn't come to that but it feels like it has. But it hasn't.

Powerful conservative lady is playing hard to get. Our interview on Thursday is now dependent ON THE WEATHER on Wednesday. Pray for sun on Wednesday people. Seriously I hardly pray anymore but I'm going to.****

The people at financial aid are UNHELPFUL DOUCHEBAGS. Pray for their souls because I damned them all to hell on the bike ride home. No, I am not praying for them. I am focusing all of my prayer on Wednesday's weather.

My research isn't yielding shit. I swear someday when I'm on my third book and tenured I will be wondering why I was so fussy, but for goodness sakes I am starting to feel like I don't know what I'm doing.

Kudos to two people who made this day suck much, much less:
1. Friend who texted me for an impromptu lunch-- you are awesome and I glad we got to hang before things hit the fan.

2. Nice, nice girl at the RivalSchool's Special Collections who went out of her way to help me out and was so, so friendly. I should be passing the Zion Curtain for research on Wednesday and perhaps a couple other days later in the week and would be happy to meet anyone in the God-forsaken city of Provo for a delectable milkshake at Sammy's. For those not in P-town, I would gladly meet you for drinks, food etc. in the People's Republic of Salt Lake because no doubt I will have to assuage my guilt over my research induced, rapidly enlarging carbon footprint.

Excuse me while I go drink the rest of the bottle I've opened* and watch Amadeus because all my Netflix movies are in the mail and I heard Cynthia Nixon is in it (she said so on this reeeally funny British show I was watching). I own it (both the bottle, contents of said bottle-- I am not a thief!-- and the movie, duh).

Also, I am feeling better now that I bought The Darjeeling Limited soundtrack off of iTunes. I will burn copies for anybody that wants one because it is magical, particularly the Kinks selections, but also the other ones are relaxing and chill, in the true fashion expected of a Wes Anderson soundtrack. Speaking of Wes Anderson-- I emailed this link to Big Brother already because he deserves to be first because he went as Richie for Halloween-- Royal Tenenbaums inspired art** and I think that's just awesome. I want one and I want to buy my brother one because he is awesome too.



*Columbia Winery 2006 Cellarmaster's Riesling... Soooo tasty... "offers fragrant honey, pear and apricot aromas that lead to delectable fruit flavors and crisp acidity" and offer relief from a case of the Mondays. I don't usually drink the whole bottle at once but this is sooooo nice. Also, I love to go to the wine store and buy Washington wines and flash my Washington driver's license. State pride you know? Is that cheesy?

**Click "shop" then "figures".

****and that has nothing to do with God, ok? He and I are down, and so are me and Jesus. Jesus is my homeboy. I've just never really been much of a pray-er. Some how this all reminds me of Snoop Dog and folks, I love Snoop Dog too.***** Not as much as God tho.

*****"Snoop Doggy Dogg, get yourself a jobby job."

That has resonated with me for years.

it was so good that i even cried a little.

So I was having this sort of lonely day. I spent most of it at Liberty Park reading The Golden Compass (which I am so enjoying) and bike-watching, and as I was leaving I realized that I was practically the only person there alone, and yah, that made me sad, which is sometimes the cost of living far away from one's family and pursuing one's dreams. So I got back to the apartment and ate some soup and was like, WHAT DO I DO FOR THE REST OF THE DAY? because I had designated today to be sabbath-like and free of work (at my job and on my thesis) because I know that keeps me in a good state of mental health so I can come out swinging on Monday. Pretty soon I had tossed on a sundress and filled my Nalgene and went running off to the Trax.

Admittedly, I had never been to the movies by myself alone before, but sometimes you have to do things to connect to people you miss. Like sometimes I plod around the apartment with really heavy steps because it reminds me of my Gram-E, and sometimes I watch The Royal Tenenbaums because it takes me back to the many times I've watched that movie with my bro & sis and it like, you know, some how, momentarily, fills in the gap between the miles. So I was missing my friends today so the only real natural thing for me to do was to go see the Sex and the City movie. Say what you will about that show and how it conflicts with my feminism-- fuck you, women's lives are too messy for ideology to really work _all_ the time-- I loved it. It was less about sex than any episode of the show ever was, I thought, and more about the journeys women take through adulthood and how everything works out in the end and somehow through everything, there are always the people who made you who you are to come back to. So suck it. I liked it! Kim Cattrall was quoted as saying that the four women are really just the different parts that make up one woman, and I totally concur.

Speaking of Kim Cattrall, I especially liked Samantha in this movie. I have never connected particularly much to that character (I don't want an STD) but I thought she had the best lines and ultimately emerged as the character who was most true to herself and she did it in the most elegant, least whiny manner of all the characters. I thought the Carrie parts of the movie were kind of annoying but Sarah Jessica Parker's acting was generally much better than it ever was on the show.

The part about the movie I loved the most (other than the fashion... OMG it was like another character) was that as I came out of the film, I called one of my BFFs who lives in another time zone (as they all do, duh) AND SHE HAD BEEN AT THE MOVIE AT THE EXACT SAME TIME. We had talked about doing that but never really got around to solidifying it, so I consider it truly serendipitous that that happened-- karma, on the same wave length, whatevs-- I totally take it AS A SIGN. I am clearly more connected than I realized. And then I ate Ranch Pringles at the Trax stop. It was awesome.

p.s. As I was riding home the u-bombers totally got on the same train as me. I didn't join them because I lack a tiny bike and was a little too much on the gintastic side of things (what else do you think I put in that Nalgene???).

girl scouts.

So I am procrastinating this morning, and consequently just finished reading a totally useless blog post on the Girl Scouts. I'm not going to link it, because it was completely worthless in terms of content, but the discussion got me thinking about my time in Troop 187 (I think that was the number) and what I really took from my time in the Scouts.

I was a Brownie in Tulsa. I am not really sure if I wanted to be a Brownie or if my mom just arbitrarily signed me up, probably both, but I loved it. I don't remember much more than going to this girl Robin's house and for some reason, my first encounter with one of those on-counter apple peelers that makes the peel come off in one long string. I thought that was amazing. I associate my scouting there primarily with a brown jumper and our initiation ceremony.

Scouting really sucked me in when we moved. I'm pretty sure that getting me into a troop was a first order of business. It was with that bunch of girls that I grew up-- through crafts and campouts and frigid March days selling cookies. The nostalgia is almost overwhelming. What surprises me the most is not that Scouting taught me how to wield glue guns and pocket knives, but how much we internalized the messages of Scouting. The "can-do" attitude that comes with learning the skills to earn a badge, the integrity built from saying every week, "On my honor, I will try..." That stuff sticks with you even if you didn't think about it at the time.

But what I did understood at the time, and what I appreciate now, is that the theme of sisterhood and friendship is where the Girl Scouts really get their power. The fact that I remain close to two girls from my troop is evidence of this, as is the time I saw a former-fellow-troop member walking down the street and speedily turned around so that we could have a brief reunion. I think it plays out in what we, my old Scout friends, expect from each other-- that regardless of what's happened, or how we've changed, we've been determined to stay friends. I hadn't thought about it in a long time, but today I recalled the song I've known since I was six, and it hit me how much a part of me those values are.

Make new friends
but keep the old
One is silver
and the other gold

A circle is round
and has no end
That's how long I want to keep my friends